


can we start this all over again?

by nothingpersonal



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: F/F, this rly sad im srry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 06:46:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1541465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingpersonal/pseuds/nothingpersonal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <sub>one day meghan cries but she isn't holding a book.</sub>
  <sub>cat cries, too, and she isn't holding a book either.</sub>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	can we start this all over again?

she sees her every day and every day she sits at the same spot by the window and every day she reads a new book.

the first time cat sees meghan is a morning in december. it's really fucking cold outside but inside the library it’s warm and cozy and it makes cat feel welcomed.

she isn’t a big fan of reading, she prefers movies or pictures and paintings maybe, she thinks color is so much more important than little black words printed on a piece of paper.

so that morning the only reason she goes to the university’s library is because she desperately needs to warm her body and escape from the snow outside.

she looks around for a moment, trying to decide where it’s warmer and cozier and that’s when she sees her, there by the window.

her skin is pale, just barely sun kissed but it makes a nice contrast with the whiteness of the snow, her hair is a dark brown and looks incredibly soft and her body is way too small. she is frowning and it suits her although cat would like to know what she looks like when she smiles.

she can’t make out the title of the book she is reading and suddenly she desperately wants to know what lies within the pages.

cat sits at the table opposite of her. it's far enough for cat not to look creepy and close enough so that she can read that the title of the book is “the catcher in the rye”.

she vaguely remembers her literature teacher suggesting that they read the book at one point in their life and she also remembers ignoring her completely.

now she kinda wishes she didn’t.

*

she comes back the next day and she finds her in the exact same spot by the window and cat smiles to herself.

this time she came prepared; she has her coffee in hand (she isn’t sure if she’s allowed to drink or eat anything in the library but no one has told her off about it yet so she reckons it’s okay). on the other hand she holds a copy of catcher in the rye she borrowed from joey yesterday and she takes her place on the table opposite of the other girl.

today she is not reading catcher in the rye though. “mrs. dalloway” reads the title of the book she is holding open and cat tries to remember if she has seen it on joey's library cause if joey doesn’t have it then she is gonna have to buy it for herself.

she surprises herself by reading the whole book in two hours and she is sure it would have taken her much less if she didn’t look up every ten seconds to check if the other was still there.

today the girl is wearing a white sweater way too big for her skinny body and she looks unbelievably soft and all cat wants to do is hug her. 

*

it turns out that joey owns almost every book by virginia woolf that has ever been published so the next day cat goes to the library with a copy of mrs. dalloway in hand.

and of course the girl is reading a different book today and of course cat has never read it or heard about it in her entire life. the title is “a separate peace” and it’s a bit thicker than the other two.

she decides she doesn’t like virginia woolf or mrs. dalloway but the girl opposite of her read it so it makes sense that she loves it.

that day the stranger leaves before cat but cat stays a bit longer and finishes her book already thinking about the next one.

*

she has to buy a separate peace and she doesn’t mind that much. she likes that book more than the virginia woolf one.

her stranger is reading victor hugo today and cat is a bit happy cause she has heard of victor hugo before and she thinks that maybe she had made an attempt to read a book of her a few years ago.

“the man who laughs” is a very thick book but the girl is already halfway through and cat still has a separate peace to finish so she hurries up. 

*

it takes them both a while to finish the man who laughs. cat isn’t sure how she feels about or if she really understood what was going on or why the writer had to use so many latin phrases but she somehow manages to finish it after three days of intense reading.

the other had finished it yesterday and today she sits there by the window with no book and cat wonders why.

she stares outside and her eyes aren’t even moving, her whole body isn’t moving, and cat swears that she saw her eyes water one or two times.

it's really painful to watch her suffer like that all by herself, silent and desperate. cat wants to hug her and tell her that’s going to be okay but she stays in her seat and just stares. 

*

harry potter is next and cat is glad cause finally, a book she owns, loves and enjoys to read.

harry has just found out someone put his name in the goblet of fire when the other girl gets up and leaves.

cat leaves too.

*

it's been two weeks. two whole weeks and almost fifteen books and cat feels like she might explode cause she hasn’t read that much since, like, ever.

she doesn’t complain cause when she reads a book the other has read she feels a bit closer to her.

the stranger has gotten thinner. cat worries about her and she thought about giving her an apple or something to eat but she doesn’t cause that would be too creepy even for cat.

she wears glasses today that cat is 100% sure she doesn’t need at all but they make her look even better so who cares?

*

“perks of being a wallflower” is the greatest gift the stranger could ever give to her. cat is crying, shamelessly crying in the library, clutching the book so tightly it hurts and she rocks back and forth trying to calm herself but then she thinks about charlie and sam and patrick and everyone and the sobs get more violent.

if her eyes weren’t full of tears she might have noticed that the girl is staring at her with understanding eyes.

*

cat doesn’t see her for two weeks and she is starting to get really worried.

she keeps going to the library though and she sits at the same table each time, her eyes on the table by the window.

*

she makes her appearance a week later.

cat is so happy she could die.

*

she doesn’t know what makes her do it. curiosity maybe. all she knows is that when the girl gets up to leave that tuesday, cat stands up too and follows her outside. then she follows her as she makes her way through the campus and towards the dorms, she even follows her inside the huge building.

she follows her till they reach the second floor and the girl opens the door to her room and closes it behind her with a thud.

cat feels like she has accomplished something for some reason.

*

it's a total coincidence that she learns her name is meghan and that she is majoring in english literature.

she is happy that her stranger has a name but she kinda wishes she heard it for the first time from her and not from joey.

today meghan camarena is reading a book called “one day” and cat is a bit bored cause she has seen the film a million times so she doesn’t see the point of reading the book. she does though and she cries at the end like she did a million times before when she watched the movie.

meghan camarena is crying too.

*

this has got to stop eventually, she knows. it's just that she doesn't know how to approach her or talk to her. all she knows is that meghan gets more beautiful every day and that she gets sadder. she can see the dark circles under her eyes, the tired way she turns the pages and how her eyelids close for a moment before she forces them back open. she bites her nails way too much and cat wants to go over there and tell her to fucking stop cause it looks like it hurts her.

cat is very sad cause she feels like someone is dying right in front of her and she can't do anything.

actually she knows that there are plenty of things she can do, she just doesn't know how.

so she just sits by the window and reads dear john together with meghan and she cries when it's over. meghan cries, too. 

*

one day meghan cries but she isn't holding a book.

cat cries, too, and she isn't holding a book either. 

*

she tells joey about meghan and his face gets all sad and his shoulders are slumped and he lowers his head and cat wants to scream "what the fuck is wrong?" but she doesn't.

she asks very politely and doesn't say 'fuck' and joey very politely replies that he can't tell her, it's not his story to share. 

*

today they are reading the fault in our stars and cat wants to go over to meghan and tell her to fucking stop reading so depressing books.

she doesn't. she just accepts it. 

*

one day she gets in the library earlier than meghan. she worries that today might be one of these days that meghan doesn't show up and she almost dies of anxiety until she takes a glimpse of dark hair through the window.

yeah, that's meghan standing outside, wearing a denim jacket and black boots. it's her meghan, cat realizes, that holds a cigarette between her fingers, it's her meghan that brings it to her mouth and inhales and then exhales and closes her eyes as she does so.

and it makes cat so fucking sad.

*

meghan camarena has a boyfriend. meghan camarena has a boyfriend. meghan camarena has a boyfriend.

"meghan camarena has a boyfriend!" she yells at joey who stares at her all wide eyed and innocent.

"yeah i know, cat," he replies and he is so fucking calm about it, like it's the most natural thing in the world and cat never wanted to punch someone so much in her whole life.

"what's his name?" she asks between breaths.

"josh," joey hesitates before adding, "they've been together for two years now."

right. that asshole.

*

she sees stupid josh for the first time in the library.

cat was waiting for her meghan patiently, not opening catching fire even though she is dying to know what happens next. no, she waits for meghan, she wants to do this with her.

meghan does come. she comes with a person though, not a book. he is very lanky, like his girlfriend, his hair is short and styled and so perfect. he is all wide eyes and sharp cheek bones and yet he looks just as sad as meghan. she wears a huge sweater that might belong to him (cat doesn't even wanna go there) and his boots look huge on his thin legs.

they look good together, she has to admit, even though they could be the poster couple for the "we suffer from depression together" campaign, if there was such a thing. she sits next to him at the usual table.

he whispers something to her and she doesn't even look at him. then he tries again and she doesn't react. he touches her cheek and she flinches. he casts his eyes downwards and cat swears she saw a small tear.

meghan finally looks at him and she looks sadder than she ever looked before. she takes josh's hand and kisses it softly and he smiles just a tiny bit.

it's like she is watching a very sad movie but cat can't take her eyes off. she just hopes that they won't notice.

josh kisses her mouth and his beautiful eyes are closed but hers are open for some reason and that's when her eyes meet cat's.

brown eyes meet green ones and they stay there for a while. cat is hypnotized, she can't do anything, only wait for meghan to do something, anything but the girl doesn't. she keeps staring and he keeps kissing her and it doesn't even cross cat's mind that this might be a bit inappropriate.

he pulls away and meghan's eyes leave cat's and she smiles at him.

cat leaves.

*

she doesn't see josh again, she doesn't even see meghan for a while.

she sees her again a few weeks later and thank god she is alone this time.

meghan smiles at her. she actually smiles at her, not a warm smile of acknowledgement, just a quick little smile that is more sad and painful than anything cat has ever seen.

cat smiles back and she tries to do so warmly but meghan makes her so sad that she is sure her smile was just depressing as meghan's. 

*

"if you like her that much you better go talk to her soon," joey tells her one night.

"well, i really wanna talk to her, joey, it's just that i would like to take my time," she replies.

"that may not be an option, cat," joey sighs and pats her head.

"c'mon, joey, she is not leaving or anything, i have time."

joey doesn't reply but he looks sad.

cat wonders why everyone looks so fucking sad all the time.

*

meghan has a new habit: coffee.

she takes it black and hot and she holds on to it like it's her lifeline.

maybe it is. 

*

meghan is crying again and she doesn't have any coffee with her so cat goes out and buys a cup for her. she leaves it on her table and is hoping for a 'thank you' and maybe some small talk but meghan is already gone when she returns so she drinks it.

it's horrible but she drinks it cause it's meghan. 

*

then she hears the rumors.

they say that meghan is leaving soon, for her home-town maybe. they say something about her mother being very sick and that the whole family is really worried. she doesn't believe all that, she wants proof. she might ask joey.

they also say that meghan is clinically depressed or something like that and that she is suicidal and that cat can totally believe. 

*

she hasn't seen her for three days and that's not the longest meghan hasn't shown up but cat has that weird feeling that this time the girl might not turn up. ever. she waits for her though and she always brings black coffee with her as if meghan would smell it from wherever she is and come to the library.

it gets to the point where cat won't leave the library, they have to drag her out. joey is trying to tell her something every time he sees her getting ready to go to the library and cat deep down knows what joey has to say to her but she doesn't listen. she tells him to shut up and buys black coffee. 

*

there is an elephant in the library. a huge fucking elephant that threatens to attack cat. she ignores it. she pretends that someone is sitting at the opposite table. she pretends someone is drinking the coffee she left at the table, she pretends that someone is reading mockingjay with her.

she pretends. 

*

at some point she has to face the truth, she knows, but the moment comes when she is not prepared for it. she sees it on the university's newspaper and it's written with small black letters than threaten to eat cat. they say what cat feared the most ever since she find out about meghan and her condition, they say it as if it's not destroying cat. 

*

at the funeral josh looks the most miserable, more miserable than the parents or her friends. he isn't even crying, he is staring straight ahead and he eyes are huge and wet and terrified. cat doesn't want to hug him like joey does, she wants to kick him in the stomach for not taking care of meghan when he had to. she let him do that, he should be dead.

joey tells her that there is nothing he could have done, there is nothing anyone could do.

cat thinks he is wrong. she could have done so much.

she could have taken those books away from meghan. she could have held her hand when she cried in the library.

she thinks that if she had went over to her one of those times she really wanted to, she could have had a chance with meghan.

she didn't though. so she cries.

*

almost nothing changes.

she goes to the library every day, she picks up coffee on her way and she sits at the same table and drinks her black coffee. she picks up a different book every day and she pretends that there is someone at the table opposite of her reading the same book and glancing out of the window.

she waits for her every day and sometimes meghan doesn't show up, sometimes she does. but cat doesn't mind cause that's how meghan is and that's how she'll always remember her.


End file.
